Lessons I Carry In My Body

 

Source: Fior di Luna

I am a little girl of 7. I haven’t ever gotten over it. sometimes I look up at the ceiling and see stars from a town called Mirage. I tell you, I saw the devil once. He wore office shoes and a corporate outfit. his house was a twisted version of hell, filled with three quiet children: two girls and a boy.

I tell you, even monsters play by their own rules. They stick to their guns and enforce their laws with an iron fist.

When I was 9, I had cupcakes at his house. His wife never stopped smiling at me. She was beautiful, but mostly because she had these pink spots you couldn’t ignore. 

Satan is the god of the underworld. he doesn’t punish you by making you go to hell. Instead, he lures you into making a choice you’ll regret. Instead of beating the shit out of you like a bully, he gets under your skin and your bones and makes those you cherish suffer through your own hands. What could be worse than that?

My mother often stopped me, but I liked those cupcakes too much to tell the truth. That was my first sin. I still pay the price.

Once the devil is inside you, some people become acutely aware of every tick and tock of their body. Every breath, every movement, then becomes a symbol of the past suffering you have inflicted on someone else.

A brush becomes a razor-sharp kind of tenderness. A share becomes a stake in the processing of an inevitable sacrifice. Beauty becomes a double-edged sword, all the more reason to move away.

And what happens when you’re not just yourself, but you carry with you the weight of countless unforgivable layers of womanhood and innocence? What happens when a house ceases to become a home no matter where far you travel?

There are countless lessons I carry in my body. My bones crawl within and my blood, once salt, has been crushed into power.

Yet none are as merciless as the face of a creature, ever-changing and omnipresent, who parades its endless hunger and all-encompassing reach, while still grotesquely falling short of benevolence, omniscience, dignity, and, above all, worthiness.