Happy 75th!

 

In less than a month you are gone. Anne Frank knew what she was feeling when she said regret is stronger than gratitude. Only once in my entire life I have chosen to not wish you on your birthday, in the pride of finally being away and having an option. You must have been pretty upset (and that too, in silence, like you usually dealt with your feelings). Upset enough to take that option from me, forever.

You were always a guide figure to everyone. Even on your way to the end, you taught me to value people as and when they show they deserve it. You know, people often tell me now, "You appreciate people too much, at least don't compliment them every single time you like something about them". But they don't know what you made me feel, right? They don't know how it felt when you were taken away from me at a point where I was getting ready to face you, like a father.

All my life, I wanted to hate you too. That day, when she told me I was the cause, my heart sank like an iceberg causing hundreds to pass away. I regretted rolling my eyes when you asked me for help for the same thing or the 5th time in a row. I regretted not telling you how I felt more often. I regretted pushing you away when you opened up to me as if I understood what you were going through. I regretted not forgiving you when I had time. But you see, we were not meant to have enough time. Life is precious because it is short. Does that make it any more or less good?

By the end, you gave me a push so fierce, it pushed me so much closer to my dreams than I could ever have traveled if things were to go the way they were going. The worse part of me was a gift for half of my life up till now, by you people. The better part, only because of you.

I, sometimes go around telling people I never cried once about you, which is true. I tell them you are the reason I am here. Thing is, I don't cry because I can't cry because I don't know how to feel. I have forgotten the basics of emotions and I couldn't define you any of them if you asked. Your absence grew so strong a feeling within me I didn't know how to cope. The emptiness filled me with tremendous sympathy and compassion towards others, even you.

It was not that I didn't know it would happen. But it was by far, the most unexpected thing to ever happen. Gone too soon? What is 'too soon'? We will never be prepared enough for tomorrow.

I couldn't imagine it.

When I did, I couldn't believe it.

Until..
I received the call at 3 am and sat on an airplane for the first time to go home. (Home. Simply, an assembly of bricks and mortar, still standing, perhaps in your memory.)

Until I reached the airport at my hometown and no one could look at me.

Until I reached the doorstep and saw way more footwear lying around than my family owned. Until I had this blurry eye contact with my mother and she bawled like her breath had been taken away from her, agonizing, suffocating. One half of your heart seems to stop working when you realize the person you loved with all your heart is no more (a person).

So, Happy Birthday this time. I hope you are not mad at me. I hope with the life I have left, I can make it up to you. It's not out of regret, it's out of love I spent hiding from you and myself. It's love that never got to escape in a burning house. You would have been 76 today. But I think you were meant to be 75 forever. So, Happy 75th, again. You will always be young to me. Only, this time, I hope you are happier.